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Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for
$50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full so
instead of taking it back to auto store to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil
on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
16) Have a Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Finish oil change tomorrow..
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole
in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now
on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
fresh oil spilled during step 23.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
But, doggone, you know the job was done right!
Amazing Scientific Results
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first
prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair
on April 26.
He was attempting to show how conditioned we
have become to the alarmists practicing junk
science and spreading fear of everything in
In his project he urged people to sign a
petition demanding strict control or total
elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of
Forty-three said yes, six were undecided,
and only one knew that the chemical was -