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No Respect

My wife, she took me to a drive-in movie. I went to use the can, she
drove-out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't get no respect from my wife. For my birthday I asked for a new
suit, she served me with divorce papers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
With my wife, I don't get no respect. Well I asked her to iron a shirt,
she made me put it on first.

I don't get no respect. I was feeling romantic and asked the wife to
come out in the yard to look at the moon and stars . I got shit on by an
overflying bat.

I ran unopposed for political office once, and came in fifth.

I took a personality test once and was encouraged to cheat

Whenever I raised my hand in class to answer a question, the teacher
made me go to the bathroom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked an insurance guy for a quote, he said "absence makes the heart
grow fonder".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whenever I played in the sand box as a child, our cat would cover me
over.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was a kid my parents bought me a jungle gym for the back yard -
It was a frayed rope stretched tightly over quicksand filled with
snakes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

My birth certificate lists an expiration date.

-------------
from the humor of Rodney Dangerfield


___________________________________

A New Englander dies and is sent to hell.

He had been a horrible man throughout life and
even the devil wanted to punish him.

So the Devil puts him to work breaking up rocks
with a sledgehammer.

To make it worse, the Devil cranks up the
temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on
his victim to see if he is suffering adequately.

The devil is aghast as he looks at the New
Englander happily swinging his hammer and
whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says,

"I don't understand this.
I've turned the heat way up, it's humid,
you're crushing rocks;
why are you so happy?"

The New Englander, smiling big, looks at the
devil and replies,

"This is great!
It reminds me of August in New England.
Hot, humid, a good place to work.
It reminds me of home.
This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to
ponder the New Englander's remarks.

Then he decides to drop the temperature, send
down driving rain and torrential wind.

Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing
into his eyes, the New Englander is happily
slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow
full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in
such conditions.

The New Englander replies,
"This is great!
Just like April in New England.
It reminds me of working out in the fields with
spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled.
Angry and desperate to make hell really hell,
he tries one last ditch effort.
He makes the temperature plummet.

Suddenly, hell is blanketed in snow and ice.
Confident this will surely make the New
Englander unhappy, the devil checks in on the
New Englander.

He is aghast at what he sees.
The New Englander is dancing, singing and
twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy?
Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?"
screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the New Englander throws a
snowball at the devil and yells,

"Hell's frozen over!!

This means the Patriots

.......... won the SuperBowl."


___________________________________
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Manure Happens
by Hilma (Volcano) Volk

Website: http://www.manurehappens.com







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